Friendless

So this post has been a long time coming.  I have been putting it off just like a thousand other things in my life.  I read a fantastic book about a month ago: MWF Seeking BFF and got me thinking a lot about why I do not have many any friends.  I really only have a handful of people that I let close.  It all boils down to my biggest fear, being alone.  Weird predicament to put yourself in; right, not having any friend but being afraid of loneliness.  But it is just that I put myself in the situation where I push people away.  It is not the normal ignoring people or not trying to make/keep friends. Oh no I try hard to get people to not be friends with me.  The thing is, it's not just about being lonely, I don't want to be hurt.  Lots of trust issues have stemmed from when I was young and seen my siblings go though a lot of their crap.  I always talk about how much I've learned from them but in reality a large part of me has learned fear.

It's about not being disappointed in the end: finding out you boyfriend cheated, your best friend finds many other best friends, siblings screw something up again, your mother needing to be mothered, the coworkers lie and those acquaintances talk behind your back.  So instead of waiting for them to disappoint, I do it first.  I find a way to fail so that there is no one else but myself to blame even if.

I am done with this type of mentality!  I feel I have disappointed some in my life and most of all I continue to disappoint myself.  I will continue to be alone if I do not stop making excuses and live like your are supposed to live, to the fullest.

This was supposed to be the year of me, I got my own place, I have a decent job, I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my future but I haven't tried like I said I would.  I have already disappointed some in my life and I am ready to prove otherwise.

Here is to a fresh start.  No more excuses.  Time to get it done.  I recently stumbled upon a great video and plan on getting the book very soon but my favorite part of this video is where she says make your mantra: I will figure it out.  Getting rid of the I don't know what to dos and stating right here:

I will figure it out!!!!