Fear of Failure

So one of the things I have learned over the past year is that I have a fear of failure!  I read about it a lot on blogs so I know I am not alone.  But that is the thing we all think we are alone, trying so hard not to fail one another and ourselves.  There are days when I put on the face of the woman who is going to conquer the world!  My daddy always told me I could if I want to. That is the thing you have to want to.  Maybe it is not just a "face" and maybe those are the days I want to.  The other days are lost within all the fight of wanting to.

I had a customer that I sold some things to get me excited about conquering the world again.  He was a father like figure (probably around the same age mine would of been)  and he smiled the whole time he worked with me.  I felt open to tell him about my dreams and make the truthful statement that I believe I will make a difference in this world one day.  He told me of an idea he had and that I would be the perfect person to help with it.  He didn't get in to much detail about the idea but made it sound like something that he had been working on for a long time and hadn't told many people about.  We exchanged contacts and said we would makes plans someday down the line. This was a few months ago and I have see the customer a few times since and he always gives me that same smile and suggestion of conquering the world with him.

This may never, and most likely wont, pan out to be anything but it does get me thinking.  If I can get one completely stranger, whom I am trying to sell something to mind you, believe in me within a 30 min time span, think about with I can do with the next 70 years of my life.

It is crazy thinking about what I could do if I put that "face" on everyday.  Will it become less of a face a more of who I am.  That has got to be the answer.  It is that time of year; Halloween, where we all put masks on to be someone/something else.  It time for me to dress up and to never take the costumer off or we can also think of it as taking the old one off and putting one a new one.

Okay.  I off gotten off on a metaphorical tangent now and do not want to bore you any longer.  For real though, failure will always be there and fearing it may be alright but I can not let it hold me back anymore.

BLOG REVAMP!!!

Time again for a blog revamp!!  I am on vacation and thinking about getting life organized again.  I have learned so much this year and I believe that 2013 is going to show everything I have learned.  Look forward to hearing about my P90x results (I just started this week), training for my Iron Man and the fun that is my job at Verizon!!  I think that I will be a lot more open to just right whatever on here now and not try to be so form fitting like I have in the past.  I hope to gain some people who read but will not dwell on it.  I do need help with my design because I suck at that stuff.  For now I am in a musical mood because I saw Pitch Perfect (loved it) and I am going to see what musicals I have on DVD. Maybe Rent is in order?  More to come....

Friendless

So this post has been a long time coming.  I have been putting it off just like a thousand other things in my life.  I read a fantastic book about a month ago: MWF Seeking BFF and got me thinking a lot about why I do not have many any friends.  I really only have a handful of people that I let close.  It all boils down to my biggest fear, being alone.  Weird predicament to put yourself in; right, not having any friend but being afraid of loneliness.  But it is just that I put myself in the situation where I push people away.  It is not the normal ignoring people or not trying to make/keep friends. Oh no I try hard to get people to not be friends with me.  The thing is, it's not just about being lonely, I don't want to be hurt.  Lots of trust issues have stemmed from when I was young and seen my siblings go though a lot of their crap.  I always talk about how much I've learned from them but in reality a large part of me has learned fear.

It's about not being disappointed in the end: finding out you boyfriend cheated, your best friend finds many other best friends, siblings screw something up again, your mother needing to be mothered, the coworkers lie and those acquaintances talk behind your back.  So instead of waiting for them to disappoint, I do it first.  I find a way to fail so that there is no one else but myself to blame even if.

I am done with this type of mentality!  I feel I have disappointed some in my life and most of all I continue to disappoint myself.  I will continue to be alone if I do not stop making excuses and live like your are supposed to live, to the fullest.

This was supposed to be the year of me, I got my own place, I have a decent job, I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my future but I haven't tried like I said I would.  I have already disappointed some in my life and I am ready to prove otherwise.

Here is to a fresh start.  No more excuses.  Time to get it done.  I recently stumbled upon a great video and plan on getting the book very soon but my favorite part of this video is where she says make your mantra: I will figure it out.  Getting rid of the I don't know what to dos and stating right here:

I will figure it out!!!!

music monday

Been sick!  Be back soon.  For now some lyrics:

"Let That Be Enough" Switchfoot

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

Serious Sunday

So after a hard to hear conversation with my boyfriend (we have alot of there)  over dinner last night, I have decided that I do not try.  Essentially we were talking about the choices we make in life and how he got to where he is compared to where I am in life.  Mind you I am a little younger but I am 50 thousand dollars plus in debt and only the choices I made in life have lead me to there.  Now that is all past I can not really dwell on what I have done when I need to fix what I can keep doing.

  So I have come to the conclusion that I do not try.  Others may think differently they see how successful I am at things and no doubt I have done good with my life.  But is it the best?  No way!   I give medium effort to get by not being at the bottom of the totem pole.   I am very proud of everything I have accomplished (ie college running a marathon, raising money for charity) but in my mind I could of been my best at it.   I could have trained harder, I could of played better and I could of studied (period).  I know I can not be perfect.

For once I have new year resolution that is worth something.  I am going to TRY!!!  Instead of sitting back and waiting for thing to fall into the right place I am going to put all my effort into things and see what the outcome.  I am pretty positive that it will be a great one.  So here is to 2012!  I promise you will be reading more from me  because I will be trying more at everything including this blog!

Music Monday

I am back and ready to attack 2012 like no othere year before. I have said it before but i really think that this will be the year to top all others!  I can only imagaine what it will bring. I have so many plans for the year and do not want to let anyone or thing get in the way of me completing all of my goals! Here are some lyrics. I had a bumpy NYE but I believe it is ok.  I can only make my year better everyday  More to come about the new and old year.  I have a lot of catching up to do!  Song and lyrics from Switchfoot:

Is this the New Year or just another night?
Is this the new fear or just another fright?
Is this the new tear or just another desperation?

Is this the finger or just another fist?
Is this the kingdom or just a hit n' miss?
A misdirection, most in all this desperation

Is this what they call freedom?
Is this what you call pain?
Is this what they call discontented fame?

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

I'm singing this one like a broken piece of glass
From broken arms an' broken noses in the back
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

You're pushing till you're shoving
You bend until you break
Till you stand on the broken fields where our fathers lay

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

There's nothing here worth saving,
Is no one here at all?
Is there any net left that could break our fall?

It'll be a day like this one
When the sky falls down and the hungry and poor and deserted are found
Are you discontented? Have you been pushing hard?
Have you been throwing down this broken house of cards?

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

Is there nothing left now?
Nothing left to sing
Are there any left who hasn't kiss the enemy?
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

Does justice never find you? Do the wicked never lose?
Is there any honest song to sing besides these blues?

Coming back!!

I am coming back to blogging! Something that helps organize my life and keep me sain. I will be back to regular blogging from now I on! Hope there is still people out there reading. If not will find new ones. Will update you with what has been going on with me soon but for now bed time!