My View on Politics

Do not expect anything philosophical here.  That thing is I do not actually have any views on politics.  Sure I have opinions and thoughts.  These thing may line up with one side of the fence more then an other but when it comes down to it I do not identify myself with any side.  I an not an openly opinionated person unless provoked to be so.  In reality the whole election thing scares me .  Every four years we the candidates start campaigning and we all complain about the commercials and the billboards and the hoopla, yet we are all entwined in it no matter how political we are.  People fight and friends do not get along because there realize that the person they have known may have a different opinion then them.  Then election come and we have a new president and we argue for a few more days or weeks.  Then we are all back to normal again. We do not fight about politics daily and we are still friends with the people we despised during the months leading up to the elections.  For me I wake up every morning and pray.  I pray for my family.  I pray for my friends,  I pray for my coworkers.  I pray for the leadership of our country (no matter who that may be).  It scares me how intense people are during this time but not always.  If everyone had that much passion throughout all four year then the world would be a better place.  I am not just calling out all the crazy political people we all have somewhere or something we can show that much passion about.  I hope to do it in all aspects of my life and would challenge you to do the same.  Okay maybe I go a little philosophical there.  Off to make some dinner and watch Fame.

Second Week of P90x done

Today is the last day of my second week of P 90X.  Half way into the first month and I like it.  What I like the most is it feels like something different everyday.  I haven't lost any weight but my diet has not been 100 percent either.  No surprise there but I will step it up.  It has been a crazy week with Sandy starting off my week with two days of no power.  I know that is the smallest of what has happened int the country but it was  not fun.  I am going to have a movie night this evening and drink some wine.  Tomorrow is the first dry forecast in a while and I plan on getting a run in the morning.  Then I am dressing up to do something who care what but I feel like dressing up!

Fear of Failure

So one of the things I have learned over the past year is that I have a fear of failure!  I read about it a lot on blogs so I know I am not alone.  But that is the thing we all think we are alone, trying so hard not to fail one another and ourselves.  There are days when I put on the face of the woman who is going to conquer the world!  My daddy always told me I could if I want to. That is the thing you have to want to.  Maybe it is not just a "face" and maybe those are the days I want to.  The other days are lost within all the fight of wanting to.

I had a customer that I sold some things to get me excited about conquering the world again.  He was a father like figure (probably around the same age mine would of been)  and he smiled the whole time he worked with me.  I felt open to tell him about my dreams and make the truthful statement that I believe I will make a difference in this world one day.  He told me of an idea he had and that I would be the perfect person to help with it.  He didn't get in to much detail about the idea but made it sound like something that he had been working on for a long time and hadn't told many people about.  We exchanged contacts and said we would makes plans someday down the line. This was a few months ago and I have see the customer a few times since and he always gives me that same smile and suggestion of conquering the world with him.

This may never, and most likely wont, pan out to be anything but it does get me thinking.  If I can get one completely stranger, whom I am trying to sell something to mind you, believe in me within a 30 min time span, think about with I can do with the next 70 years of my life.

It is crazy thinking about what I could do if I put that "face" on everyday.  Will it become less of a face a more of who I am.  That has got to be the answer.  It is that time of year; Halloween, where we all put masks on to be someone/something else.  It time for me to dress up and to never take the costumer off or we can also think of it as taking the old one off and putting one a new one.

Okay.  I off gotten off on a metaphorical tangent now and do not want to bore you any longer.  For real though, failure will always be there and fearing it may be alright but I can not let it hold me back anymore.

BLOG REVAMP!!!

Time again for a blog revamp!!  I am on vacation and thinking about getting life organized again.  I have learned so much this year and I believe that 2013 is going to show everything I have learned.  Look forward to hearing about my P90x results (I just started this week), training for my Iron Man and the fun that is my job at Verizon!!  I think that I will be a lot more open to just right whatever on here now and not try to be so form fitting like I have in the past.  I hope to gain some people who read but will not dwell on it.  I do need help with my design because I suck at that stuff.  For now I am in a musical mood because I saw Pitch Perfect (loved it) and I am going to see what musicals I have on DVD. Maybe Rent is in order?  More to come....

Friendless

So this post has been a long time coming.  I have been putting it off just like a thousand other things in my life.  I read a fantastic book about a month ago: MWF Seeking BFF and got me thinking a lot about why I do not have many any friends.  I really only have a handful of people that I let close.  It all boils down to my biggest fear, being alone.  Weird predicament to put yourself in; right, not having any friend but being afraid of loneliness.  But it is just that I put myself in the situation where I push people away.  It is not the normal ignoring people or not trying to make/keep friends. Oh no I try hard to get people to not be friends with me.  The thing is, it's not just about being lonely, I don't want to be hurt.  Lots of trust issues have stemmed from when I was young and seen my siblings go though a lot of their crap.  I always talk about how much I've learned from them but in reality a large part of me has learned fear.

It's about not being disappointed in the end: finding out you boyfriend cheated, your best friend finds many other best friends, siblings screw something up again, your mother needing to be mothered, the coworkers lie and those acquaintances talk behind your back.  So instead of waiting for them to disappoint, I do it first.  I find a way to fail so that there is no one else but myself to blame even if.

I am done with this type of mentality!  I feel I have disappointed some in my life and most of all I continue to disappoint myself.  I will continue to be alone if I do not stop making excuses and live like your are supposed to live, to the fullest.

This was supposed to be the year of me, I got my own place, I have a decent job, I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my future but I haven't tried like I said I would.  I have already disappointed some in my life and I am ready to prove otherwise.

Here is to a fresh start.  No more excuses.  Time to get it done.  I recently stumbled upon a great video and plan on getting the book very soon but my favorite part of this video is where she says make your mantra: I will figure it out.  Getting rid of the I don't know what to dos and stating right here:

I will figure it out!!!!

music monday

Been sick!  Be back soon.  For now some lyrics:

"Let That Be Enough" Switchfoot

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

Serious Sunday

So after a hard to hear conversation with my boyfriend (we have alot of there)  over dinner last night, I have decided that I do not try.  Essentially we were talking about the choices we make in life and how he got to where he is compared to where I am in life.  Mind you I am a little younger but I am 50 thousand dollars plus in debt and only the choices I made in life have lead me to there.  Now that is all past I can not really dwell on what I have done when I need to fix what I can keep doing.

  So I have come to the conclusion that I do not try.  Others may think differently they see how successful I am at things and no doubt I have done good with my life.  But is it the best?  No way!   I give medium effort to get by not being at the bottom of the totem pole.   I am very proud of everything I have accomplished (ie college running a marathon, raising money for charity) but in my mind I could of been my best at it.   I could have trained harder, I could of played better and I could of studied (period).  I know I can not be perfect.

For once I have new year resolution that is worth something.  I am going to TRY!!!  Instead of sitting back and waiting for thing to fall into the right place I am going to put all my effort into things and see what the outcome.  I am pretty positive that it will be a great one.  So here is to 2012!  I promise you will be reading more from me  because I will be trying more at everything including this blog!